September 12, 2016

When the script falls apart...

"...the script just didn’t make sense in the midst of the chaos and clamor." Excerpt from Proverbs 31 devotion this morning. 

me: God...this was NOT how this story was to unfold. 

God: Trust me!

me: This place I am's deep, it's dark, it's scary. I can't see through my tears, the sounds around me are piercing me, I am scared. I can't catch my breath.
God: Trust me! Keep your chin helps you focus on me. I am right here with you, beside you, crying with you as you grieve. 

me: I just don't understand! THIS is not what we prayed for...How can this broken chaotic dark place bring glory to You? Lead others to You?

God: Trust me! I've got you...stop trying to pull your hand from Mine & let me guide you through this dark valley. Let me write this story. Child, I love you too much to leave you in the chaos. 

me: *stomping my feet & yanking harder* But God, I don't WANT to go this way! Its too scary. 

God: Trust me. *stops & just holds me...right here in the dark, scary place*

me: *sobbing into His chest* I don't know how to trust You here. I've never been here before. This isn't the story I wanted. 

God: I know & I've got you & I've got a greater story for you. Trust me. 

me: I'm trying...please be patient with me?

God: Always. I will sit here & hold you as long as you need me too. Just trust me. And please daughter, don't set up camp in this dark place. I don't ever want your eyes to become accustomed to this darkness. I want your eyes to behold the beauty that is My light  once again. 

me: *looking up toward His face* I can't see any light, right now. This darkness is so thick. If it weren't for Your arms around me I am not sure I'd know you were here. I can't see Your face. *curling up into His lap & reaching up to touchHis  cheek*

God: sweet child, lay down your head and rest. We will continue the journey together, I promise.

(9.28.16 a little of the backstory) This was my dialogue that day with God as I was attempting to process through the emotions of losing my 9 yo nephew suddenly, tragically, horrifically; and when we (I) believed with all of my heart that Jesus WAS GOING TO SHOW UP at that "tomb" and call Julian's name. For HIS GLORY! For the whole world to SEE that God is real! I am still struggling through this dialogue with God because I don't understand this answer that involves Julian being gone & our lives single choice that changed an entire family. Check out Julian's story here, if you haven't already.  And if you feel led, would you send a small gift to help the family with the unexpected expenses associated with the death of their child? Thanks for ease dropping on my conversation with God.

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